Dirigible – October 2018

My name is Col. David Barclay. This is my testimony of the events that transpired on board the dirigible “Good Ship Lollipop”, and soon thereafter. 

I stood near the front of the line, preparing to board the Good Ship Lollipop just prior to departure on her maiden voyage following a major refit.  Ahead of me in line were but two people, the Cushion Ambassador Komik Bir-Adam, come to find new technologies for his country, and behind him a dazzling young woman by the name of Charity Wittaker.  She was known as Cherry though, for as she explained, “Charity is a dreadfully stuffy name”.  A few moments after introducing myself, the ticket booth opened, and we began to board. I, as well as those ahead of me, got on for the discounted price of absolutely nothing at all.  Later I learned that those behind us were not so fortunate.  They paid handsomely for their tickets because as it turned out, the ticket taker was lining her own pockets with the proceeds!

As we boarded, we were handed a complimentary copy of the FaltIron telegram to read on our voyage.  Once we had all ascended the gangplank and gathered upon the main deck of the ship, the captain introduced us to the passengers who would be seated in first class.  We were privileged to be traveling with a Princess, a General, an Ambassador (who had been in front of me in the line), and several aristocrats.  After the introductions, the Captain invited us to pick up a glass of champagne or red wine from the cafe, and we proceeded to devote a toast to the maiden voyage of that fine ship.  Once the toast was completed, the Captain ordered Axle, one of the ship’s crew, to fire up the newly installed Dragon propulsion device.  As it let off its fiery jet, we soared into the sky faster than I had ever thought possible.  Moments later the ship stabilized, and our internal organs reassumed their rightful places.

As the evening took hold and darkness descended, the crowd commenced to dine on what appeared to be a lavish (and therefore miniscule) version of ham and turkey sandwiches, and small lollipops — I suppose as a joking nod the ship’s name.  The food was served on silver plates as light as air, unlike anything I had ever seen.

As I ate my supper, one of the first class passengers, General Lincoln Continental Motors, called out that he had lost his hat overboard. When he could not be persuaded to simply let the hat go, the Captain called for a device that would allow him to retrieve his hat, with the condition that he would not be able to return to the vessel. The General accepted the condition, and proceeded to jump over the railing, slowly floating down to the ground a thousand feet below where we watched him retrieve his fine white hat.

I made my way around the ship, taking in the sights and smells, and meeting as many people as I could.  Moments later, this elegant journey took a turn for the worse.  As I ate the last of my food, I again began to converse with Ms. Wittaker when I heard one shot fired and then another.  Looking toward the noise, we saw that two of our fellow passenger had begun to duel!  The shots they fired at one another had both missed, and had miraculously avoided hitting other passengers.  The Captain and passengers scolded the men for their lack of consideration for both the passengers and the ship, which caused them to bottle their frustrations for a later time.  It was at that moment the weather decided to torment us with the cruelty of rain, with much more torment on the way.

Not five minutes after the duel was broken up, a loud explosion was heard and a scream came from someone looking out the port bow. Another dirigible had been spotted and they flew the flag of the airborne pirate.  T’was further evident that this was not a ship manned by the civilized, and this by the fact that they were firing upon us!  As they circled the Lollipop, I made my way to the rear of the vessel where a group of unarmed women and children had gathered.  There I drew my weapon and prepared to defend the group with my life.

Moments later, during another volley of shots I felt a sharp pain in my lower back and another near my shoulder.  Falling to the ground I groped for my back and felt the hilt of a knife protruding from my shoulder.  Had the pirates boarded our ship?  With all the grit I could muster, I extracted the blade.  Before passing out, I remember hearing chaos and the Captain shouting orders about the Dragon propulsion system and hearing a large explosion.  I later learned the explosion was the sound of the pirate ship crashing to the ground!  I was told that the cheers of joy and relief which rose briefly from the crowd, descended into cries of horror when they noticed my body on the floor.

I am not sorry for having missed the next event in which, I later learned, one of the people… no… one of the maniacs who stabbed me in the back, along with some of their comrades, made their way to the front of the ship and opened up a volley of shots upon the passengers!  When most were unconscious or incapacitated, they began to search the crowd ranting about searching for the stolen jewel that had been written about in the FaltIron Telegraph.  Drifting in and out of consciousness as they passed the place I lay, knowing I had not the strength to fight nor resist, I simply feigned death. I felt hands searching my pockets.  Finding nothing of interest, when the owner of the hands moved on, he stepped on my hand!  It was all I could do not to flinch in pain and reveal that I was in fact alive.

They searched a bit more, shouting, shooting, and looting, and then disappeared, perhaps utilizing the Personal Propulsion Devices such as the General had used when he left to retrieve his hat.  The sole doctor on board made her way around the ship to the injured people and checked the severity of the wounds.  Fortunately no one had been injured beyond her ability to heal.  The doctor cleaned my wounds, and returned me to a nearly normal condition.

The chatter on the ship was all about the maniacs who were now gone. Where had the renegade passengers disappeared to?  Why were they after this jewel?  Why did they think this jewel was on-board the Good Ship Lollipop?  The deliberations were drawn to an end however, when the Captain finally announced we were back on course and the airport was in sight.

Cheers of joy and relief once again rose from the passengers when we landed with a bump.  The Captain assured us that any landing you can walk away from is a good landing, and we began to file off the dirigible and descend the gangplank.

With hardly time to freshen, we proceeded to join the FaltIron celebration that was underway on the lawn adjacent to the airport. There was dancing and music, and festivities all around.  The first dance was unique to the town of FaltIron in the way it celebrated the, the grace, the prim and proper, the rhythm, and barbarianism of the stereotypical members of upper society.  The second dance was tribal yet synchronized, and reminded me of my time in the Highlands of Scotland.

As the dance wound down, we were invited to FaltIron’s town square where the night’s festivities would continue.  However, much like the preceding events of the evening, this time of relaxation was not to be; it was punctuated by the screams of a lady.  It was not the timid scream which one might emit when startled by a spider.  This was a bloodcurdling scream that penetrated our souls.  The music ceased.  The dancing and laughter stopped.  The brave ran toward the commotion while the timid glanced all around in fear.  In a thicket of trees between the dance fiend and the town square, we learned that the screams were in response to the sight of a dead body.

The crime scene included the body of an old man who had been bludgeoned to death, and then shot and stabbed.  Plus, there were a variety of objects including a bottle, a rag, a cane, a box, and gemstones strewn upon the ground.  After investigating the scene of the crime, and collecting the evidence, the town proceeded to gather at the courthouse to weight the evidence, but even this was not to be uneventful.

As we were making our way to the courthouse, a few men fell behind unnoticed, along with the Ambassador.  We heard shots and shouts, and turning to the commotion, learned that a few of the group had discovered something strange about the Ambassador — he was an android! They had knocked “it” to the ground when it tried to escape, and shot it a few times to subdue the powerful machine.  In this pacified, yet not incapacitated state, we led it into the court room, and sat it in the front among the other items of evidence that were collected.

The judge entered, and called for silence. He instructed us to communicate and theorize amongst ourselves for a few moments, and then called for anyone to come forward who thought that they had an answer to the series of events that had occurred.  Several of the town’s people and my fellow passengers, including Axel the ship’s mechanic, went forward and presented a number of fairly logical possibilities, including one which pontificated that the one who murdered the old man also murdered the Ambassador, and replaced him with an android.

Ms. Wittaker and I discussed the circumstances and the evidence, and uncovered what we considered to be a plausible theory.  We waited for the conclusion of the theory being presented before the Judge, then we requested an audience.  As I am meager at best when it comes to public speaking, I let Ms. Wittaker do most of the speaking; standing slightly to the rear in case something occurred to which I would need to speak.  That never took place though, as Cherry has a verbal elegance and vocabulary that surpasses that of most, including the Judge.  After our theory was presented, we took our seats and a few more presented their theories, including one presentation by Ms. Penelope Von Calaboose who was incriminating the General.  Ms. Von Calaboose is indeed sentient but barely biologic, and therefore her testimony was not weighed as seriously as others’.

After hearing accusations against the General, the maniac Professor and his android Penelope, and a few others, the judge dismissed the jury to discuss a verdict.  Once they returned, they were split amongst themselves.  Luckily the judge himself had a theory that pieced everything together, and placed General Motors in the place of murderer.  He was called to the stand to testify, and proceeded to tell his story.  As it turned out, he had indeed murdered the man without embarrassment nor regret.  You see, the deceased was once a Colonel in the Queen’s army under the command of the General.  In exchange for gold, the Colonel had betrayed his own regiment by letting the enemy in through the back door of the fort. The General killed him as a consequence for his crimes, selfishness, and treason.  Late breaking evidence in the form of a Top Secret letter surfaced that confirmed the nefarious nature of the deceased Colonel, and the part he played in mis-calibrating the navigation system of the Good Ship Lollipop.  It is this mis-calibration which caused that fine ship to stray into Pirate territory.

In the end, the Judge both convicted General Motors of murder, and commended him for his service to the nation.  He was freed, and we celebrated his deed and the end of our journey.